http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hikari-光/184016544977507

MY FANPAGE IS BACK UP ON FACEBOOK UUUUUUUGH. I ALSO CAN'T SLEEP.

But for good reason. I got TWO SINGING GIGS THIS MONTH. Also, UBERLY retardedly back to back! 

First, THIS saturday I have a competition for WARNER BROS. RECORDS THAT I MADE THE AUDITION FOR that i HAVE TO WINWINWIN. I also have to sell 10 tickets for it in order to get inside! SOMUCHWORK SOMUCHFAIL*shot*

Then, week after that for my birthday (FFFFFFFFFFFFIMTURNING22HATEMYLIFE) ... on the 13th is X FACTOR tryouts!!! ... well, that's wristband day with Maggie. BUT THEN DAY  AFTER IS AUDITION DAY. 

At one time, I promised myself I would never do this, That I would never get this way:

Overly emotional, dwelling on things that no longer mattered, Thinking of people that no longer took part in my day to day life. However all I seem to be able to do at times like this is look backwards when I know i'm supposed to do the opposite. I know I am only human, and bound to my mistakes, but the one thing you're never prepared for is how much you end up hurting once all is said and done and the other person walks away. Your heart feels as though it is being eternally crushed in the palms of hands you cannot pry open. Your mind becomes haunted with constant memories that are triggered by any stupid little thing from a love song to a simple trinket they bought you last Valentine's day.

I find myself lately missing more than just those I've loved and lost. Also friends, too. And it's just a lot to dwell on for so long without really letting it out. I used to be a really open book, once. I used to have no problem just showing my emotions all over the place... and I thought it was so messy and wrong and selfish. So I stopped. Now I find myself strangely alone, and I don't like it. I'll admit that I do miss this feeling of being loved. And a lot of the time I do miss him...

But I know that's not why I'm still hurting.

What he and I had was toxic, after all, and that's not what love is.

Real love is the person who is willing to stick around and see you when you're down. The person who loves your smile and all the little things. The one who notices your everyday imperfections, but doesn't want to fix them or change who you are. Instead thinks they're quirky and wouldn't live without them because they make you unique. Real love is once all the hype is gone and the flirting is over and you now want to help each other. The first dates have passed and you're beyond that firework stage. When you can just sit and stare at each other for no apparent reason... just because it makes you happy to know they're there with you. Knowing they support you especially when you have big dreams you want to pursue. The ones who want to help you when you make mistakes, and aren't afraid to tell you you're doing wrong. When you have a big problem in your life or a sudden change, that no matter how scary they still remain by your side because they want to live this life with you, instead of shooing you off like you're some kind of burden. It's when you can argue with them one moment, and still honestly say you still love them the next because you know everything they said was right and because it was probably in your best interest. It's when you can learn to listen to each other when the arguing stops. It's when ... months... years... later, that person isn't afraid to love you, or be with you, because of how different you may be. Or how sick you are. Someone who isn't afraid to take 'the plunge' into love... well... that is real love.

Love was never meant to be perfect. Because we are not perfect. Whoever thinks that there is such a thing in this world, especially today's world... will always be unhappy no matter who they end up with.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident...and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

I do hope one day I find the person who can answer to this. Who can look me in my eyes years later, whether I am sick, healthy, living the high life or struggling as much as I am today... and take me as I am for who I am, and realize that all the prettiness has finally burned away, and we are indeed... ONE tree and not two. As love is a promise to one another, not just a word~

Happy Valentine's day, everyone. I hope your love is just as real and true as the love I dream of.

So it's 2009 and I haven't posted in this in months... I guess it's because i don't really know anyone on here and originally joined for the NYC Loitas group.

Anyway... It's a new year. I have had ups and downs and breakups galore throughout 2008, and I guess now I'm just kind of numbed when it comes to men and "love".

I think I need a long, long break from relationships.
I met a guy and he's interested and I like him but.. I had to tell him no. I just know that it's in my best interest not to jump into anything right now.
I started 2008 ending a year long relationship that was going nowhere... then got into something new with a guy from college which i thought was going well but stopped out of nowhere for no known reasons.

Then i took a few months to just relax and in October tried again, with another guy from college, who didn't do ANYTHING. It was like dating a wall. He never spoke, and never tried to contribute to spending time together so....

Here I am, January of 2009 and single again. And to be honest? I really don't mind. It's not bothering me like I thought it would. I need to relax, do what i have to do. I have lots of health problems all acting up. One requires surgery... So. I figure that once i'm better both physically AND mentally, I can go back to trying to have fun and date and enjoy life again!

It's what's best for me before I actually go insane from these wonderful people I keep encountering in my life~

Also, not in school anymore. So college is a no. Maybe i'll start posting on here more....

Yay Loli Yukata!

<3 <3 <3

http://thumbnail.image.rakuten.co.jp/s/?@0_mall/bodyline/cabinet/gothic3/gothic856.jpg

I am so happy =D
And it's a perfect fit! <3

This is what I'm wearing to Sakura Matsuri this weekend. YAY! :3

 Through shades of gray, blue and red you watch me
Through the silhouettes of a darkend heart, and mind with no memory

I sleep... so silently

My world engulfed in the flames of brutality
the demons surrouding all that is left of my humanity
Sickened in the sunlight, burning in the cold...
There is nothing that I can grasp, there is nothing I can hold...

Do you not understand my pleasure? My pain?
Is my love so misunderstood that i love you in vain?
why is it I'm suffering out here all alone...
Why is it I have no place left to call home...?

the gray clouds engulfed in the blue sky while the red blood stains the floor
you look around but it's impossible for you to see me anymore...
You've arrived too late, brave 'hero'... i'm long gone
The shadows have consumed me, now you see you were wrong

Leaving me to fall on my own so deeply
to the point where i can no longer see anything clearly
Telling me I'm worth nothing, filling me up with lies
I am now unable to see past your selfish disguise

Can you feel me here now?
Do you believe I exist...?
Even though I was cast out...
and was no longer missed?

I thought that would be how this story would end...
So I'm leaving forever, leaving you to pretend

 My life. The things I see, hear, feel... all on a daily basis. Like this... :

"The enchanting feel of the winter breeze, cold as ice amongst the bare trees... Shadows that cover the lifeless city, shunned by the stars and the endless sky... For love was what made her cry... And now she waits alone on that hidden rooftop... until her lover returns, and brings her city back into the spring...so she may feel that warmth she has long forgotten..."

The things I experience, the things I want.. They all affect how I create. It's the beauty of being able to express yourself without any boundaries. That, is the best feeling anyone could ever imagine... No boundaries, no walls, just your imagination at work.

Love drives the best of us crazy
The worst of us sane
The sane ones hallucinate
And the bipolar feel only happiness
The depressed start to cling
The happy start to depress

And the vicious cycle continues... 

Throughout the haunted neverending dreams that keep me up at night
My heart pounding, my mind racing and unable to see straight
It hurts so much to truly understand what I'm even thinking
Echoes constantly repeat in my head

"Run... Far... Away..."

I can't grip onto anything anymore. I slip and I fall... far... deep, down the Rabbit Hole... I can't find my way out...

Where have I fallen so deep into that I can't even see straight anymore? Why is it that this endless cycle of emotions and stress causes me to want to disappear so...?

Am I so useless? So broken? So torn? I don't know how much more I can take..

Life,  they say it's supposedly a happy time... supposed to be a loving time... but never for me... never for me...

I sit lost in Silhouettes alone.